So I want to tell y’all about when I met Sue
I have never written about her before so this will be new
She’s been gone since 2004 so the last 18 years have been some shade of blue
Sue is or was my mother
I know this is cliche but she was a mother like no other
I met her at birth but mostly I met her at six years old
and by that time my father had already created and refined the mold
in which I lived and was told every ugly thing his lying mouth sold
to me about my mom
I can feel the pit of my stomach flipping a flop
and I am now holding back tears that really want to drop
from my face and make a black hole in my headspace
(IN THROUGH THE NOSE OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH YOU GOT THIS)
So my dad’s story I began to hear at two goes this way:
“So Sue was angry and came home one day, she looked at me and said, NO WAY! You go upstairs and get Sarah and you two get the fuck out today”.
He repeated this story alot through the years but I was so young it was not for my ears
I understood what he said at the ages of 3, 4 and five on a basic ass level but no real understanding did ever arrive until I was grown and she was no longer alive.
There was never a time when I gave it any thought, cause he just programmed in me a completely blind spot and when I was four he went and got married to the old stepmom who was great for two years before they dropped two huge bombs one was my sister and the other my mom.
So let’s start with my sister who was exciting at first, like while still in utero, she wasn’t the worst like she became the day she came out everything changed and that was the day I think I first felt doubt.
We were all at step grandma’s for new baby’s arrival that day was so hard for a confused six year old’s survival because everyone in the house only yelled at me, get out of their way, hush and go sit on the couch and do it quietly and no you can’t play…not today….sit there and shut up is what they’d say.
I was a good girl and I did what I was told. I sat on that couch with as much control as possible….everything in my world was becoming increasingly volatile so I didn’t want to keep making them mad but mostly I did not want to displease my dad.
We finally went back to our home, a home that was now different than what I had known. Nobody knew who I was anymore, and I did not understand so therefore I guess that’s when my mind shifted more into dissociated state and so I’d go to a place that I would create in my mind and that’s where I’d find stuff to relate and I’d find people who loved me and though they were imaginary I thought they were great.
At the same exact time that was taking place, I was hit with more shit right in my face. I was in first grade and for the first time ever my dad picked me up and he thought himself clever when I got in the car he gave me some news but before he did he gave me some shoes. Ruby red slippers just like from Oz and that plan worked perfectly because the next words he said didn’t ruffle me at all, the shoes made it so I did not trip on those words and have a great fall….at least not that day.
I remember the exact words that came out his mouth, he said to me, I had to go see a judge today and the judge said that you have to go see Sue and you have to do it soon and then the confusion really really grew. I was scared and excited but mostly just frightened I didn’t know Sue my throat began to tighten.
So what does a 6 year old do when they’re told they have to meet their own mother? I would actually love to tell you but my memory goes blank after the car ride I thought I was a prank.
I’m gonna wrap this up now and after reading it through I realized at how the programs are still trying to work because this rhyme ended up being mostly about the jerk.
Jump Into The Vortex 